A Bathroom Rant

July 6, 2009

(If this is your first time at my blog, I'm sorry. They aren't all like this, I promise. If you are a repeat reader, y'all know a girl's gotta rant sometimes. Welcome back!)

You never really appreciate your own bathroom until you've used someone else's. Or more specifically, a public bathroom.

As we traveled a couple of weeks ago, I was struck by several details that were thoughtfully added or were mysteriously absent in public facilities. (When traveling with a 6 year old boy who is on the Great North American Bathroom Tour, you see a LOT of bathrooms.) This is my somewhat comprehensive list of what I saw:

1. Door Locks--These should be mandatory. Strangely, they were conspicuously absent from many stalls I visited. Mall/restaurant/gas station owners--I besiege you. Do NOT neglect to replace these if they break or fall off. It is no fun to "hover" above a toilet (And there went most of my guy readership...) and try to hold the door shut simultaneously. I think I may have permanently injured a muscle I didn't know I had.

Duct tape is never an acceptable medium for locking a door. I wish I didn't have to type that.

Also, the door locks that stick need to be replaced. You know you've been there. That split-second feeling of panic when you turn left, then right, then left again...and it won't open. The thought goes through your head, "I'm going to have to crawl under." And if you are like me, you'd rather die than touch a public bathroom floor. Just fix them.

2. Toilet Paper Dispensers--Look, we all know that you've got to have toilet paper in a stall. That's not even up for discussion. The problem I have is when you need to obtain paper from one of those stingy dispensers. You go to roll some off, and it gives you 1.5 sheets. I'm not Sheryl Crow. I'm gonna use me some tp, okay? We are all better off for everyone using more toilet paper. (Sorry, trees.)

Anyhow, I hate it when I need the paper and have to fight with the dispenser for 5 minutes to get 6 squares. I mean, by then, my calves and thigh muscles are pretty much shot from the hovering (And there went the last guy that thought it was safe to hang around). I can't stay in there holding the door shut with my other hand much longer, people!

3. Hand Dryers--As a germaphobe of a very high degree, I appreciate the concept of hand dryers. I still would rather have a paper towel to open the door with when I exit, so I don't have to touch the handle after Nasty Nellie just walked out without washing. (I DIE!) My problem with the hand dryers comes in the form of the jet-engine powered dryers. They look all practical and innocent hanging over there on the wall under the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign. You walk up, unsuspecting, and present your dripping hands to be gently dried. All of a sudden, you realize you are not in a bathroom--you are standing behind a jet that is, at present, taking off! Look out! It blows your flesh backwards off your hands into little rolled-up windblown dunes on your wrists. The sound alone is enough to cause an 8 year old girl to go running out of the bathroom screaming. (Of course she touches the Nasty Nellie fouled door handle on the way out. Sigh.)

4. Super nice restrooms are rare--I was in the Dillard's at Pier Park in Panama City, FL when the extra-large bottle of water kicked in. I walked in the bathroom and did a double-take. Surely, I had walked into the president of the company's facility! I was surrounded by granite counters, clean tile floors, and opulent fixtures. A nice public restroom? What an oxymoron!

5. Stall cracks--That just sounds wrong. Again, for the nice people who "maintain" (such a strong word) public facilities, please consider the width of the cracks between the stall wall and the door. If I can, from my hovering position, glance up and see somebody full-on looking back at me (without their face at the precipice of the door, mind you), please, please do something about this issue.

Duct tape could be useful here.

And y'all? Don't look through the door cracks. That's not cool. It's one thing to see if there's somebody in the stall, but it's a whole other deal when you try to figure out if you went to elementary school together.

6. Door signs--Always a good thing to have the doors clearly labeled to prevent any confusion about who goes where...I'm all about that. I agree that printing the signs in Braille is also a fine idea. BUT, when you computer-print a paper sign that says "Men" or "Women" with the paper-printed Braille underneath and laminated, then you are nominated for FAIL of the Year. I'm just sayin'.

7. Don't GO there!--Okay, I gotta ask. Is there a secret society of icky people that go around doing their thing in the potty and leaving it without flushing? I mean, I go in a big bathroom with 10 stalls. I pick the 4th one from the door. I open the door and draw back in horror at what "surprise" awaited me, unflushed. I quickly make my way to the 6th door (because there's no way I'm going in there and flushing that, and the 3rd and 5th doors are too close to what's in there!), and it seems as though that person might have gone stall-hopping in their pursuit to make me die from a germaphobe inflicted heart attack. What's up, y'all? Flush it!!!

What have you seen? Good or bad, I can take it. (As long as I don't have to touch it, it's all good.)

p.s. I added this to a blog carnival at Weight..What?: Check it out!